by Teri Nava-Anderson, PhD, CD
Last week I saw a quote attributed to neuroanatomist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor that said, “Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.” While I was thinking to myself “Yes! We all need to do that”, my husband was looking over shoulder saying aloud “That’s bitchy.” It was a curious moment in which our perception and response to these words was completely different. I was thinking about labor and how easy it is to affect a labor simply by changing the energy in the room and the words we use. He was thinking...something different.
Research shows that it takes between 5-10 positive comments to neutralize a negative one. This is in part due to the fact that our brains process negative experiences and comments more thoroughly, and in a different part of our brain, than positive experiences and comments. This results in us being able to remember the negative events more clearly and in more detail, to respond more strongly or viscerally, and to resist reclassification of the experience as a positive. For example, all of us know how difficult it is to reverse a bad first impression. Negatives have a greater potential to sink in and stick, even in people who are otherwise positive thinkers. This is why keeping a positive environment and using positive affirmations is critical in the birthing room.
Well meaning supporters, whether family, friends, or care provider staff, often express empathy in ways that undermine a person’s will in labor. Statements like “you don’t have to be a superhero”, “there’s no prize for doing this without pain medication”, “you don’t have to work so hard” seem innocent enough. They all however, almost always, forget a critical ending to the sentence: “if you don’t want to”. “You don’t have to work so hard if you don’t want to.” It’s important to know IF a person wants to. If they want to work hard, be a superhero, get the prize of self-satisfaction, etc. their supporters should cheer them on and support their determination. It's just as easy to say “you’re a superhero", “go for your goal and get that prize”, and “it’s hard and you can do this”. So, say that instead.
Worse than the words that undermine will are the ones that undermine ability and plant seeds of doubt. By its natural design, labor elicits its own hormonal rushes which can stimulate a fight or flight response, that is, times in which one has to decide if they can do it or if labor needs to stop to get to a safer place. At those times, especially during what I sometimes call “transition talk”, it’s common to hear “I can’t do this.” The right response to this statement should lift a person up and give them strength and belief in their abilities. It is “yes, you can,” not “I don’t think you can either.” That should be obvious, right? But sometimes the response isn’t as blunt as that, and yet it still implies the same thing.
Many doulas have found themselves having to diffuse doubt bombs left by strangers, friends, family, and care providers early in labor or perhaps long before labor even began. I don’t think I’ve ever had a client planning a non-medicated labor who didn’t have at least one person express uncertainty about it (which is often followed by their own negatively charged and sometimes scary story). Hopefully, not everyone has to deal with more serious doubt bombs, but many do. These are comments such as remarking that a baby is possibility being too big or a pelvis is possibility too small. While these again are usually well meaning comments, meant to prepare someone for what another might think is the likely or inevitable conclusion, nothing is ever inevitable until the conclusion itself has played out.
If you’re a care provider and you’ve ever once thought it was helpful to tell someone working hard in early labor that “baby might not want to come out that way,” please reconsider and instead encourage her to walk or lunge, or just offer a positive affirmation or a cool cloth. If you’re a care provider and you’ve ever thought saying “this room is cursed, everyone ends up with cesareans in here” is useful knowledge to a person in labor, please rethink your encouragement strategies. When people infuse negativity and doubt into a birthing environment, it changes the entire dynamic of a labor. Words, even looks or posture, have the tremendous power to get someone to stop thinking “I can do this” and starting thinking “maybe I can’t do this.” No one should have to labor like that. No one should have to prove they can to anyone but themselves. Use your words wisely. Take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.
Use words that encourage:
- You’re making progress
- You’re doing great
- You’ve got a right to be proud of yourself
- You’re a wonderful mother/parent
- I’m here for you
- I love you
- I’m proud of you
- You’re beautiful
- You’re amazing
- You’re strong
- You’re powerful
- I know you can do this
- You know you can do this
- You can do this
